Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
