btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
