Old men and throwing up are my life now.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
