Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
