Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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