Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize