it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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