He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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