happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
