Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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