new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
