I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
