It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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