I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
