Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Randomize
