nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
