I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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