I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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