You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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