we're chasing vodka with high fives
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
