I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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