My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
