Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
