Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
