i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
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you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
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