Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
All the doctor said was why
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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