If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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