remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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