This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Randomize
