Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
