Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
