You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
