Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
