Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
