all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
