i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize