Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
