So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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