dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
