How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
