if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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