I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I just gargled with NyQuil
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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