I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
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