I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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