Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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