Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
