he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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