Sorry, I don't speak sober.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
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she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
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Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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