If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
