Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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