I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
