did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
