She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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