Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
