I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
