I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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