I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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